- In "You forgot to mention the prospect of an impending zombie apocalypse" news, a statement from China's State Council acknowledged that a number of serious problems have occurred in the wake of the construction of the Three Gorges Dam. "At the same time that the Three Gorges project provides huge comprehensive benefits, urgent problems must be resolved regarding the smooth relocation of residents, ecological protection, and geological disaster prevention," says the statement.
- Gen Chen, chief of the General Staff of the People's Liberation Army, has assured the United States that China is not trying to match US military power. "Although China's defense and military development has come a long way in recent years, a gaping gap between you and us remains," he said at the National Defense University.
- President Mahmoud "the Holocaust never happened" Ahmadinejad, in an attempt to dethrone Hugo "US scalar weapons caused the Haiti earthquake" Chavez as reigning lunatic statement champion, has stated in an interview on Iranian television that "I have exact information that bin Laden was held by the American military for sometime... until the day they killed him he was a prisoner held by them. Please pay attention. This is important. He was held by them for sometime. They made him sick and while he was sick they killed him."
- Japanese Q1 GDP fell 0.9% (with a year over year decline of 3.7%), officially marking the entry of the Japanese economy into a recession. The Bank of Japan expects things to improve in Q3 and Q4.
- Japanese engineers have entered the Fusushima reactor number 3 on an inspection tour, the first to enter the building since the hydrogen explosion that blew the roof off the building on March 11.
- The United States has imposed sanctions against Syrian President Bashar "We're not suppressing protestors, just the armed terrorist gangs hiding behind the protesters" al-Assad and six senior Syrian officials for human rights abuses. All of their assets have been frozen, and it is now illegal for Americans to do business with them. President al-Assad's response was to condemn the sanctions as part of a US effort to impose its policies on the region, and assured anyone who believes him that the crisis is coming to an end. As he was delivering those remarks, reports came in to the BBC of the Syrian army bringing 27 protesters in Tal Kalakh to an end through the use of batons and bullets.
- In "I thought you weren't supposed to be evil" news, California State Senator has introduced a Social Networking Privacy Act (SB 242), which would require "a social networking Internet web site to establish a process for new users to set their privacy settings as part of the registration process that explains privacy options in plain language, and to make privacy settings available in an easy-to-use format". Coming out in opposition to this proposed state law is Facebook and Google (among others), who jointly state that plain language privacy settings "would significantly undermine the ability of Californians to make informed and meaningful choices about use of their private data", claim that it "would impose a duty on social networking sites difficult or impossible to discharge using existing technologies", and assure us that it "would notably interfere with the right to freedom of speech enshrined in ...the First Amendment to the United States Constitution."
- After a three day, 2000 mile drive from California to Tenseness, Antonio Carranza was arrested and held on a $300,000 bond for driving while intoxicated, failing to heed police lights and sirens, and possession of 91 pounds of cocaine. He was released four days later after sheriff's deputies discovered that the "cocaine" was 91 pounds of cheese, shrimp, and tortilla and tamale dough. His truck and dog, confiscated at the time of his arrest, have not been returned.
- In "Can you say conflict of interest? Good, I knew you could" news: Fur months after helping to approve a merger between Comcast and NBC Universal, Meredith Attwell Baker has left the FCC to take a job as a Washington lobbiest for Comcast.